Set clear boundaries, before it's too late
A few years ago, a friend and I kept trying to make plans. I canceled several times – once due to a car crash – and after the third or fourth reschedule, she told me it wasn’t working for her and that she was going to deprioritize our friendship. I apologized, we talked it through, and agreed I’d take responsibility for reaching out.
I followed up for six months with no response. Eventually, she let me know she was no longer interested in being friends.
I was hurt. We’d had a clear agreement, and she’d gone back on it. That experience stuck with me – and led me to adopt my best friend’s “Free Pass System.”
When you notice someone does something that doesn’t work for you, you are responsible for telling them so. The key is to tell the other person before the issue has become insurmountable.
Tell the person that their behavior won’t work for you going forward, and why. Detail the specifics of what you want to change going forward.
They get a Free Pass up until this point – assuming you still want a relationship with this person. Grant them grace up until this point. That’s only reasonable because you haven’t told them that their behavior doesn’t work for you!
But you have to set clear consequences. Setting consequences is hard because most of us don’t have practice. First, articulate the boundaries for yourself. Then, describe them to the other person.
Consequences aren’t punishment – they’re about clarity. They tell the other person what you will do if the behavior continues, so that you’re not reacting or building resentment, but fostering the relationship that you want.
Here are a few examples:
- If someone is flaky after you’ve communicated that it doesn’t work for you, don’t schedule with them again.
- If someone shares a secret that you shared in confidence, don’t share private information with them in the future.
- If a client doesn’t pay on time, add delinquency fees to the bill.
- Boundaries can be small and nuanced – like the fact I don’t talk to my parents if they sound crabby at the start of a phone call because that’s when our conversations are most likely to go poorly.
To summarize the Free Pass System:
- When someone crosses a boundary, identify the boundary to yourself, and then to the other person.
- If you don’t want them in your life anymore, cut them out of your life.
- Otherwise, give them grace – a Free Pass – up until now.
- Describe to them the clear consequences if they do the unwanted behavior again.
- Then, if they exhibit the behavior again, enact the consequences you’ve communicated.
I don’t bemoan the loss of friendship with that person who wrote me off. As a result, I learned how to set better boundaries.
Whether in friendships, family, or business, the Free Pass System helps you set and hold boundaries. It won’t fix every relationship, but it will improve the ones worth keeping.
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Homework
Sit down somewhere quietly for 10 minutes and write out for yourself one behavior that someone in your life does that bothers you. What is it, specifically, that you don’t like?
Then describe the boundary you will set – anything from a timeout to removing them from your life – if that behavior happens again.
Finally, share your Free Pass and its consequences with the person involved.
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3 things I’ve loved this week
Book I've loved
Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin
This novel was ranked one of the New York Times’s 100 Best Books of the 21st Century. It is lovely, and completely absorbing. The less said the better, but if you must, here’s the description:
On a bitter-cold day, in the December of his junior year at Harvard, Sam Masur exits a subway car and sees, amid the hordes of people waiting on the platform, Sadie Green. He calls her name. For a moment, she pretends she hasn’t heard him, but then, she turns, and a game begins: a legendary collaboration that will launch them to stardom. These friends, intimates since childhood, borrow money, beg favors, and, before even graduating college, they have created their first blockbuster, Ichigo.
Overnight, the world is theirs. Spanning thirty years, from Cambridge, Massachusetts, to Venice Beach, California, Gabrielle Zevin’s Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow examines the multifarious nature of identity, disability, failure, the redemptive possibilities in play, and above all, our need to connect: to be loved and to love.
Stop whatever you’re doing and read this book!
Podcast I've enjoyed
Ezra Klein on Andrew Schulz’s Flagrant podcast
I first listened to Andrew Schulz last fall, but lost track of him and his podcast Flagrant in the year since. Revisiting his work this last week, I was surprised to find Andrew has nuanced opinions about politics that have evolved considerably in the last year. This conversation between Andrew and Ezra Klein was a great listen.
For more, read this New York Magazine article "Andrew Schulz, ‘Podcast Bro’ Might Be American’s Foremost Political Journalist.” (h/t Sam Adiv for the article.)
Quote I’m considering
“When you have fun, you perform better.” –Simone Biles
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When you're ready, here's how I can help
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Until next week,
Robin
