How to maintain flexible goals – and why it matters
The night before Day 2 of Responsive Conference, I spent an hour agonizing over how enthusiastic everyone was. I was worried the conference hadn’t struck the right balance of existential dread and optimism for the future – given that I feel a fair bit of existential dread myself!
But after stressing over my attendees’ experience for an hour, I looked back at the agenda I’d curated for Day 2 – starting with my old boss Vivienne Ming and ending with Eldra Jackson III – and realized that the program I’d created would provide attendees the experience I wanted them to have: real, raw, but not pessimistic.
One of the things I like most about live events – whether as an MC, speaker, or athlete – is that once the show begins, we have to let go of the outcome. As much as we’ve practiced our lines, rehearsed our talks, or reviewed our notes, once the show begins, there’s nothing to do but continue.
One of my early teachers, Feldenkrais-disciple Anat Baniel, described this idea as “flexible goals.” In the subsequent eight years I spent working with autistic kids, maintaining flexible goals was the only path forward! A myopic focus on hypothetical outcomes, like “I want my child to be neurotypical,” would impede progress.
Maintaining flexible goals, or letting go of the outcome, doesn’t mean that you don’t have an outcome in mind. When I am trying to sell tickets to Responsive Conference or a client on behalf of Zander Media, I want them to buy! But that’s only one of a handful of goals I hold simultaneously – including to be of service. Maybe there is someone I can introduce, a book I’ve read, or something else that would make a difference in their lives.
Let go of the outcome
Anytime I find myself feeling urgency or anxiety, I remind myself “Let go of the outcome.”
In the case of my attendees’ experience of Responsive Conference Day 2, the solution was simple. I’d already curated an excellent experience that didn’t shy away from difficult topics. From our opening and closing keynotes to topics ranging from AI to politics to the Safari animals who joined us at lunch, the experience of Day 2 provided my attendees with a rich and varied experience. I’d already done the hundreds of hours of preparation necessary. All I had to do was let them enjoy the experience.
Letting go of the outcome is a mental act. It is more about coming up with a half dozen ways in which other outcomes – in addition to your goal – could be just as good.
In the case of Responsive Conference 2025, if my attendees have too good an experience, is that a bad thing? So, they feel optimistic leaving the conference – and only afterwards are confronted by the realities of our rapidly changing world. There’s nothing wrong with providing a bit of escapism.
But if I’m trying to sell something specific or my mortgage depends on a certain level of earnings, it can be difficult to stay flexible. I have to deliberately make a list of alternative outcomes:
- If someone doesn’t buy from me, they’re looking out for their best interests.
- Maybe I haven’t done enough preparation? Maybe I’m not telling a compelling story?
- Or perhaps what I’m selling doesn’t fill a pre-existing need.
In the months leading up to Responsive Conference 2025, one reminder I had to give myself was to “Be less entitled.” As salespeople, we are not entitled to someone else’s attention – not to mention their money! If I was asking for help from colleagues to promote the conference, it was my responsibility to make it easy for them to promote. And when someone bought a ticket, take a moment to celebrate that small victory – instead of immediately calculating how much farther I still had to go.
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Homework
What are you trying to accomplish? List out 5 alternatives, beyond your primary objective.
Even with your primary objective in mind, can you make one of these secondary goals as big or bigger than the first? Can you want more for the person you’re talking to than for yourself?
It helps to write out then goals, and then write an explanation for each.
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3 things I’ve loved this week
Article I’m enjoying
Changes in grey matter induced by training
This article, which I came across through Gloria Mark’s substack about attention, shows that juggling can rewire the brain. I learned to juggle in high school, and it was my gateway into dance and gymnastics – so of course I’m already bought in.
One group who took juggling lessons for three months was compared against a control group that didn’t learn the skill. Brain scans revealed specific neurodevelopmental changes for the group that learned to juggle.
It turns out that when you practice paying attention, you get better at paying attention. Which in this age of screens and constant distraction, is something we would all benefit from.
Book I’m loving
The Sugar King of Havana: The Rise and Fall of Julio Lobo, Cuba’s Last Tycoon by John Paul Rathbone
I’d had this book on my “ought to read” list for a year, but finally got around to reading it while visiting family in Puerto Rico.
I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t know much about Cuba’s history before reading it, but it was fun to read it while living not far away in the Caribbean.
Unlike impersonal biographies where the author shares nothing of themself, the author was born in Cuba and his mother was part of the pre-revolution aristocracy. He seamlessly weaves his personal experience and story into the story of Julio Lobo.
From the perspective of salesmanship, too, Lobo had some amazing escapades like cornering the sugar market and then forcing the biggest buyers of sugarcane at the time (Coca Cola and Pepsi) to accept his inflated prices.
Tool that saved me during busy season
Superhuman Email
I’ve written about it before, but Superhuman got me through busy season. Even aside from Responsive Conference, Zander Media had our busiest month of the year in September! I’m not sure I could have done it – and sure I couldn’t have done it as gently as I did – without this email tool.
As someone who studies behavior change, I love that Superhuman deliberately nudges the user to use built-in shortcuts. For example, Snippets – pre-written bits of text easily added to emails – are now a pivotal part of my daily email routine.
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Want more?
The next How to Sell Yourself workshop series kicks off Thursday, October 23. We meeting weekly on Zoom for 10 weeks to practice the skills Snafu is all about. This is a new approach to selling for people who aren't quite comfortable selling themselves - yet!
This cohort is limited to 15 people, and we already have 7 people confirmed to join us. Interested? Learn more and apply here!
The Snafu Conference is an immersive 1-day experience for reluctant salespeople.
The summit will take place on March 5, 2026 at the Oakland Museum of California. This is the first conference of its kind, and I can't wait!
Learn to sell yourself without selling out.
Join us!
Until next week,
Robin
